Clarification

I wrote yesterday's blog post in a hurry because Adelyn was waking up and I felt the need to rush through and write about my journey.  I think some of it came off differently than I intended so I want to kind of clear up where I was coming from.

That blog post was mostly intended for myself. I'm my own worst critic and judge which is why quitting pumping has been so incredibly hard for me. I hate even saying that I'm quitting. I don't like to quit anything. Before having Adelyn, I was SO determined to breast feed for the first year of her life. I knew breast feeding was hard and took work but I never imagined that we wouldn't be able to do it at all and I would spend quite a bit of time pumping instead. That option never crossed my mind.  So far, in our decision to formula feed, we've been surrounded by nothing but love and support and no one has said anything judgmental or negative towards us.  I have been judgmental of myself during this process and afraid that I'm weaning for selfish reasons and not really putting my daughter's needs before mine.  I also know that I had pre-conceived ideas about formula feeding and while I don't judge anyone who chooses that for their baby, I definitely would have formed ideas about them in my head without knowing their whole story.  That's just me being completely transparent and honest. This whole process has been SO humbling for me and I know that this is probably just the beginning. God is using my struggles to really show me areas of my life where I have been so sinful in my thoughts.

I want to get that point across.  I'm not claiming to be perfect. I'm not claiming that I never judge others or that I'll never jump to conclusions too quickly ever again.  Because I know I will.  I know I will be judged for decisions that I make as a parent and I will find myself judging others.  That's a habit I hope and pray to break over time.  I guess the point that I was trying to get across is that before you're a parent you make these plans and decisions; breast or bottle feeding, crib or co-sleeping, cloth or disposable diapers.  You usually have pretty strong opinions one way or another and have a definite route you plan to take. But those plans don't always work out. That was something I never really realized or considered until I became a parent. I always said I would breastfeed and now I'm not. I always said I would NEVER sleep with my baby in my bed and I confess we've napped together once or twice because that was the only way I could get her to sleep and get some rest myself. I plan on making my own baby food but I'm finally realizing for one reason or another, that may not happen. I planned on never letting my babies have pacifiers and Addie was getting a pacifier by the end of her first week.  It's ok to change your mind as life happens. It's ok to realize that the plans you had for yourself and your children weren't realistic or weren't a good fit for your family.  That's kind of the big revelation I've had so far as a mom. I'm not claiming to be an expert. I know I still have a lot of growing and learning to do.  I just felt the need to write this all down mostly as a reminder for myself when I get super focused on how I planned life to go but that's not how it turns out, but also in case there's anyone out there struggling with the same things.  It's ok to change your plans. It's ok to not have a plan. God knows exactly what I need to get me through on a daily basis and He will provide. When I focus on that truth, all the little decisions like breast milk vs formula or letting Addie self-soothe vs picking her up every time she cries seem to become a lot less important.  We'll make decisions. We'll make mistakes. We'll learn as we go. I'm not perfect and my baby won't be either.

And I'm done ranting...haha. I could ramble on and on to try and reassure myself. Instead, I think I'll go make the bed, try to straighten up, and just be happy in my imperfect life.

Parting with the Pump

So this may be an awkward topic to blog about...but I feel like someone has to. Not many people know this because, like I said, it's awkward to talk about.  Adelyn has been bottle fed from day one...not formula, but breast milk. Due to a lot of different reasons, some me, some her, I've been pumping since our second day in the hospital and she has been fed expressed breast milk in a bottle. We never got the hang of breast feeding, partially because her jaw and tongue were so recessed at birth and partially because my supply was so large and expressed way too quickly for her to keep up, among a few other reasons.

Why blog about this? I'm still trying to decide if I'm even going to post this, to be honest. Recently, Jake and I made the mutual decision that pumping is taking too large of a toll on me, on us, and on my relationship with Adelyn.  I guess I feel the need to justify the decision we've made publicly. But I also feel the need to open up about my struggles in case there's someone who reads this who is having the same issues or is struggling with the decision to formula feed instead of breast feed.  Or even to let someone who is exclusively pumping know that they aren't alone. Until I googled ways to wean from the pump, I thought I was pretty much the only woman in the world who exclusively pumped.  And I know not many people know that I was only pumping but everyone will know once Adelyn is on formula only and I know many people who will have an opinion about it, and whether good or bad, I at least wanted a way to get all my thoughts and feelings about it out.  People are going to judge. I know that. I'm becoming more and more ok with that every day.  I've got to do what's best for Adelyn and me and honestly, others opinions don't really factor into that.

The main reason I'm making the switch is because of how hard it was on me emotionally.  Almost every time I was pumping during the day would be the time when Adelyn would wake up from a nap screaming and wanting to eat and I literally could not help her.  I spent many pumping sessions in tears as I had to listen to my baby cry and I couldn't even get up to comfort her.  I was trying to do the best thing for her by giving her breast milk but since I couldn't just feed her naturally, it was putting a huge strain on our bonding and relationship.  And as I was writing this, Adelyn woke up crying from a nap and I was able to run upstairs and grab her and now she's quite content snuggling on my chest, which is just reinforcement that I made the right decision.  If I had been pumping when she woke up, she'd still be up in her crib crying and getting worked up.  Not worth it to me.  I know the benefits of breast milk and I very much wanted to breast feed her for the first year of her life. That's just not the cards we were dealt and I'm trying to be ok with that.  And I was fed formula from day one and I think I turned out pretty great :)

If I had been able to breast feed I think I would still be breast feeding now.  I'd be able to comfort Adelyn any time she needed comforting.  I'd also be able to breast feed her, no matter where we were.  Another reason I'm no longer pumping is because you can't just start pumping in public. Sounds silly, right? But we had a wedding about a month ago and Jake was in the wedding so we had the rehearsal and everything, too.  It was a busy weekend and I spent most of it stressing out about where I was going to be able to pump.  It was beyond awkward to have to ask the owner of the hall where the reception was if we could use his office so that I could pump on schedule.  It was uncomfortable.  Maybe that's selfish of me. But I didn't think about how much a pumping schedule would dictate my life when I made the decision to pump.  I hesitate to say it isn't worth the stress because Adelyn is worth it.  However, I know she will still thrive on formula.

I think a huge reason this has been so emotionally hard on me is how terrible society makes formula sound. I know breast milk is the best option.  However, formula isn't going to kill them.  I'm proud and happy that Adelyn made it 2 months on only breast milk and that she is still getting it for a few feedings every day and she's almost 3 months old now.  But even if she had never gotten a drop of breast milk, that's not what's important and I'm finally realizing that.  My relationship with her is what is important.  Being able to hold her and comfort her as soon as she starts crying and not 15 minutes after the fact is what's important.  Surrounding her with love and hugs and kisses is what's important. I know there's some people out there who will still judge me and disagree with me about how what's most important for my child.  I'm not writing this to change anyone's mind. I'm finally just becoming ok with the fact that people are going to think what they want to think even when they don't know the whole story or the facts. I'm not writing this to change anyone's mind.  Part of me is writing this to at least tell people my side of the story...but this is just scratching the surface on my journey with pumping.  If anything, I'm writing this to help myself work through pumping.  It has been an emotional journey and I've felt really guilty a lot of the time.

I guess part of me is also writing this to hopefully make people more aware of the fact that they don't know what anyone else in going through when they judge them.  That goes for many areas of life.  I'll be the first to say that before having a baby, I was really judgmental of people that formula fed.  I've realized now that when I see other people doing things or making decisions that I wouldn't....that I have no idea what their story is.  I have no idea what struggles they've been through.  I think the world would be a lot better place if people realized that instead of just assuming they know what that person has been through and judging them for the decisions they're making.

I'll get off my soapbox now and leave you with a cute picture of my baby instead :)

Helping Mommy with her blog :)

2 Month Check Up

Yesterday was Adelyn's 2 month doctor appointment. I knew she's grown SO much but it didn't really hit me until they weighed and measured her. She weighs 10 pounds and 13 ounces and is 22 1/4 inches long. She was in the 25th percentile for height and weight at birth and now she's in the 50th percentile. That explains why it took forever for her to grow out of newborn clothes but now she's almost outgrown most of her 0-3 month clothes already! She did such an amazing job. She smiled at the doctor throughout the entire examination. At every doctor's appointment we've gone to, she's never cried or fussed once when they look at her eyes, ears, nose, and throat. She was SUCH a good baby and I couldn't have been more proud of her.

Then came the shots :( She cried but only for about a minute (I say only but it felt like FOREVER) and then I was able to get her in her car seat and she slept the whole way home. She woke up and was her usual happy self until it was nap time and she could NOT get comfortable. She naps in her car seat right now because she won't sleep in her crib during the day and she just fussed and fussed which eventually turned into crying and screaming and she would only calm down if I was holding her and walking around. I tried giving her a warm bath but that just made her more angry. I looked in the medicine cabinet and we only had infant advil, not tylenol, and Jake wasn't going to be home for another hour and there was no way I could take her out to the store. So I found the most comfortable position I could for her....

She still whimpered now and then but her legs weren't touching anything in this position so she finally slept

Finally, Jake got home and all I can say is THANK GOD for infant tylenol. She finally was in a better mood and went to sleep around 8:30 last night and slept until 5 this morning. I doubt anyone really cares to hear about all of this but I want to remember as much as I can about her first months of life and that includes the pain and hard times. And as much as my heart was breaking for her, part of me felt good that I could comfort her enough to get her to sleep. I know I can't protect her perfectly and she will get hurt again...heck, we have another doctor's appointment in 2 months :/ But I know that I will do everything in my power to ease her pain when she is hurt. I know right now it's just pain from shots that she won't even remember but one day it will be bigger and more painful experiences and I hope and pray that she will still come to me to be comforted.

And that was not at all where I expected the blog post to go :) Just wanted to share how big my baby girl is getting and remember how horrible those shots are for poor little babies :(

Oh also it was Father's Day on Sunday :)

Can we please just focus on how cute these 2 are?

I mean seriously...melt my heart

And how identical they are?

Twins...it's so unfair.

2 months

Baby girl is 2 months old, as of Saturday! I can't believe how quickly she's growing!

She was getting sleepy so this was the best smile we could get. Still a cutie :)

Adelyn,

You are chunking up, girlfriend! I boxed up all your newborn clothes last week and you are quickly filling out the 0-3 month clothes. Some of the sleepers don't even fit because your legs are so long. Slow down baby!

We went for a little drive today while you were napping and checked out the schools you'll be going to :) It made me happy and kind of sad at the same time. I know it won't be long before I'm driving you to school on a daily basis and I'll wonder where the time went.

You still LOVE baths...hardly ever cry. You love just hanging out in your diaper, too. Not a fan of clothes. 

You don't nap well in your crib but you do great in your car seat...so guess where you nap multiple times a day? Momma has to get stuff done and it's impossible when you start crying every 10 minutes in your crib.

Speaking of crying, your cries are pitiful and break everyone's heart. Seriously. Yesterday, Trip jumped on the couch while I was feeding you and scared you and you were inconsolable for about a minute and it felt like an eternity. I was just about in tears. I'm not looking forward to your 2 month appointment next Monday and all the shots :(

You're sleeping like a champ at night...most nights. Last night was ideal. You fell asleep at 9pm within minutes of being put in your crib. You woke up to eat around 4am and were back asleep by 5 and then up again at 8. Most nights you're a booger to put down but you sleep for pretty long stretches.

You're smiling ALL the time. You love sitting up and talking to us. You're cooing more and more every day and sometimes you even seem to scare yourself with how loud you can be. You also laugh in your sleep sometimes which is the cutest thing ever.

You love your activity gym. You just lay there and swing your arms and kick your legs non-stop and talk to the toys and your reflection in the mirror. It's adorable. I feel a little rejected though because you don't want to look at me or talk to me when you're playing with it.

You follow Daddy and I with your eyes a lot and when people leave the room you follow them, too. When we talk to you, you usually turn your head. It's so exciting to finally be able to get and keep your attention :)

You're such a precious blessing in our lives baby. It's so rewarding and fun to watch you grow and learn every day.

We love you!

Baby Bloggin

I have no idea how people with kids find the time to blog. Seriously. I sat down to write this post over an hour ago but Adelyn had different ideas about how I should spend my afternoon.  I'm currently typing with one hand while I hold my overly tired sleeping baby who won't stay asleep in her crib but sleeps just fine in my arms. So I'm going to make this post a picture overload.  If you're on facebook you've probably seen all of these already.

 Snuggling with Momma

Mean? Maybe. But it's too hilarious to not share

First Mother's Day as a mom :)

She loves bath time

Her first wedding

Church time

So there you go.  In a nutshell, I think she's cute :) Also, we moved into our house...but that's another post that I'll get to in like a month.

Adelyn is 1 Month Old!

As of yesterday but who actually has time to blog with a baby. I was going to do a second part to her birth story about our hospital stay (pretty routine) and my recovery (not routine at all). Long story short, I've had a lot of problems with stitches and infections. Not fun.

Anyhow, I want to TRY to write letters to Miss Adelyn every month but who knows if that will happen. I'm already a day behind on the first month. Oh well...better late than never.

I may be biased but I think she's just adorable!

Dear Adelyn, you're a month old and already growing and changing so much! We went to the doctor today and you weighed 7 pounds and 12 ounces! Just 2 weeks ago you were at 6 pounds and 9 ounces.  You are a very strong willed girl.  You don't like to burp while eating and you let us know. You're so strong and squirmy. Those qualities all put together make feedings super fun.  Your hair is getting blonder by the day...and it's starting to stick up and get a mind of it's own already.  Sorry for the crazy hair genes :) You're a really calm and content baby unless you're hungry. You pretty much go from 0 to 60 in half a second when you're hungry.  The doctor was impressed today by how calm you were. He was checking out your ears and nose and mouth and you never once even fussed. He kept thinking he would upset you and you just sat there sucking on your pacifier.  Your dad and I love you a whole bunch and we're so excited to watch you grow!

Adelyn's Birth Story Part One

Now that she's over 3 weeks old I figure it's time to write this thing down before sleep deprivation erases all the details from my mind.  I just never want to put her down long enough to write this out...so we've compromised and this is what we're doing right now:

I was holding her in my lap and she started randomly screaming until I put her on my chest. Baby girl loves cuddling.

So I guess the story starts early on April 4th. I started having early labor contractions at some point in the early morning hours. April 4th would have been my grandpa's 100th birthday so we were really rooting for a baby that day but no such luck.  The contractions lessened in intensity during the day and got worse at night after I'd been asleep. This continued until Sunday night.  Around 10:30 or 11 I started having worse contractions but I tried sleeping until midnight and then I woke Jake up and we started timing them.  They were 7ish minutes apart...then 6.5...then 6...then randomly shot up to 10 minutes for awhile. And then down to 4 minutes. We kept this up until about 5am. They started hurting so unbelievably bad...they hurt all through my stomach, lower back, and were spreading down through my thighs.  I called my midwife and she said to go to the hospital and she would see me around 8:30 when she got there.

The whole 40 minute drive to the hospital my contractions were 3-4 minutes apart.  We got there around 6am and I was 5 cm dilated and the nurse said we weren't leaving without a baby.  This both relieved me and freaked me out.  Since I wasn't 39 weeks yet they couldn't give me anything to start labor or break my water so I had to go naturally.  I was afraid that I wouldn't be dilating and would have to live with those painful contractions until Friday when I would be 39 weeks. Thankfully, labor was progressing just fine.

They monitored the baby for awhile and then told me I could get up and walk around to help move things along so I put on a robe and walked about 5 feet down the hallway before I started having another contraction.  As Jake was asking me if I wanted to walk through it or stop and rest, my water broke. Everywhere.  A nurse walked out of the room next door and I just stared at her and then turned around and walked back in my room to get cleaned up....not the most glamorous experience to say the least.

The nurse came in and checked me and I was 7 cm dilated.  I think it was about 8 am by this time but I have no idea. There was no concept of time at this point.  Things got real, really quickly after this.  My midwife came in and suggested I move to a chair and sit backwards on it and rest my head on the back of it.  This helped ease a little bit of the contraction pain.  I went into labor knowing I wanted to have a natural delivery...and right around this point I regretted that decision :)  I started feeling this intense need to push but I was still only 7 cm dilated.  There was so much pressure with every contraction and it honestly felt like my body was pushing without me doing anything.  This really freaked me out and I lost sight of the end goal for awhile.  Thankfully, Jake was there to keep me focused and level headed (as much as you can be when you're giving birth). I was so tired at this point and just wanted to sleep, which obviously was not an option.

I sent Jake out to get the nurse probably 3 or 4 times because it felt like I had to push.  Apparently at one point I told him I wanted a C-section and made him go tell the nurse.  I don't remember that.  She came in and had Jake coach me to pant every time I felt the pressure to push because it would stop the urge.  It was hard and painful but eventually she checked me and said I was 10 cm and my midwife had just came back from the office.  I finally got to start pushing.  As weird as it sounds, it was painful but it was almost relieving to do what my body had been wanting to do for hours at this point.  I finally got to give in to the pressure and after 30ish minutes of pushing, our baby girl was finally born at 11:06am.  It was the most painful and rewarding experience of my life.  Jake got to pull her out and put her up on my chest.  We were both full of adrenaline and completely in love from the very beginning. I couldn't have done it without Jake there coaching me.

And that's about all I have the attention span to write at this moment. More about Adelyn's birth day and our hospital stay to come! I'll leave you with a few hospital pictures for now :)

Our family <3

Daddy is already wrapped around her finger.

Mommy may also be wrapped around her finger...just a little bit :)