I wrote yesterday's blog post in a hurry because Adelyn was waking up and I felt the need to rush through and write about my journey. I think some of it came off differently than I intended so I want to kind of clear up where I was coming from.
That blog post was mostly intended for myself. I'm my own worst critic and judge which is why quitting pumping has been so incredibly hard for me. I hate even saying that I'm quitting. I don't like to quit anything. Before having Adelyn, I was SO determined to breast feed for the first year of her life. I knew breast feeding was hard and took work but I never imagined that we wouldn't be able to do it at all and I would spend quite a bit of time pumping instead. That option never crossed my mind. So far, in our decision to formula feed, we've been surrounded by nothing but love and support and no one has said anything judgmental or negative towards us. I have been judgmental of myself during this process and afraid that I'm weaning for selfish reasons and not really putting my daughter's needs before mine. I also know that I had pre-conceived ideas about formula feeding and while I don't judge anyone who chooses that for their baby, I definitely would have formed ideas about them in my head without knowing their whole story. That's just me being completely transparent and honest. This whole process has been SO humbling for me and I know that this is probably just the beginning. God is using my struggles to really show me areas of my life where I have been so sinful in my thoughts.
I want to get that point across. I'm not claiming to be perfect. I'm not claiming that I never judge others or that I'll never jump to conclusions too quickly ever again. Because I know I will. I know I will be judged for decisions that I make as a parent and I will find myself judging others. That's a habit I hope and pray to break over time. I guess the point that I was trying to get across is that before you're a parent you make these plans and decisions; breast or bottle feeding, crib or co-sleeping, cloth or disposable diapers. You usually have pretty strong opinions one way or another and have a definite route you plan to take. But those plans don't always work out. That was something I never really realized or considered until I became a parent. I always said I would breastfeed and now I'm not. I always said I would NEVER sleep with my baby in my bed and I confess we've napped together once or twice because that was the only way I could get her to sleep and get some rest myself. I plan on making my own baby food but I'm finally realizing for one reason or another, that may not happen. I planned on never letting my babies have pacifiers and Addie was getting a pacifier by the end of her first week. It's ok to change your mind as life happens. It's ok to realize that the plans you had for yourself and your children weren't realistic or weren't a good fit for your family. That's kind of the big revelation I've had so far as a mom. I'm not claiming to be an expert. I know I still have a lot of growing and learning to do. I just felt the need to write this all down mostly as a reminder for myself when I get super focused on how I planned life to go but that's not how it turns out, but also in case there's anyone out there struggling with the same things. It's ok to change your plans. It's ok to not have a plan. God knows exactly what I need to get me through on a daily basis and He will provide. When I focus on that truth, all the little decisions like breast milk vs formula or letting Addie self-soothe vs picking her up every time she cries seem to become a lot less important. We'll make decisions. We'll make mistakes. We'll learn as we go. I'm not perfect and my baby won't be either.
And I'm done ranting...haha. I could ramble on and on to try and reassure myself. Instead, I think I'll go make the bed, try to straighten up, and just be happy in my imperfect life.