After coming home, I just felt exhausted...all of the stress of the weekend seemed to finally have taken it's toll on me. We relaxed all afternoon and washed baby clothes so we could sort them and get the smallest sizes in her dresser. It was a pretty low-key evening and by bed time I was wiped out.
Most nights, I've been sleeping hard until about 2 or 3 in the morning and then I'll wake up and be up for hours wide awake. Last night I still woke up a lot just from aches and pains of sleeping while pregnant....it's mostly my hips and thighs that seem to be hurting the most at night so I'm constantly rolling over to relieve the pain on one side. Thankfully, every time I woke up last night, I felt Adelyn kick at least once...and they were GOOD kicks...not measly little stretches. I think that probably helped me fall asleep right away instead of staying up and worrying.
One of the times I woke up I did stay up a little just praying for Adelyn and reflecting on God's mercy and grace in this situation. It's been rough but it could be so much worse and I know that. We've been so blessed by this little life already and we haven't met her yet. I was reminded, once again, that God loves her more than I will ever be able to. Then Psalm 139 popped into my head.
If we're being honest, sometimes I feel guilty because I don't have that overwhelming motherly love most of the time. When I feel her moving is when I feel closest to her but I very rarely have that "heart bursting" fullness that mothers seem to have for their babies. I've talked it through with Jake a couple times and I've realized...I really don't KNOW her. It seems almost silly to expect that I would have deeper feelings for her than someone I've known for years and years. I'm constantly amazed and processing the fact that she's OUR baby and she's going to be made up of parts of Jake and me. But last night this Psalm popped into my head and I realized, she may be part Jake and part me but GOD is the one who put those parts together in the first place. We sure didn't plan for this baby to come at the time that she did but God has known since the beginning of time that this is where we would be right now. He knows everything about this little girl. All I really know is that she likes to curl up in a ball with her feet over her head and Kesha music makes her kick like crazy (which I'm not proud of...haha). God knows more about her than I will ever know about her and He loves her more than I will ever be capable of. That's such a comforting thought to me. The God of the universe cares for and loves my little baby so much. That knowledge allows me to stop worrying and to take this pregnancy one day at a time. I just needed to get these reminders out for the next time I start worrying and trying to take control over situations that God already has control over. I'm so glad God has chosen us to be parents to this little girl and I can't wait to meet her once she's fully grown and ready to join the world :)