Monday, February 11, 2013

Good Reminders

Well, yesterday was another day with another twist in the journey of this pregnancy.  Since Friday, I had felt very little movement from Adelyn so I called labor and delivery yesterday morning and they wanted me to come in for another NST just to make sure everything was ok.  Naturally, on the way there Adelyn was already moving more than she had been.  Everything is fine and she was doing great...just scared everyone a little bit.  And they told me always better to be safe than sorry.

After coming home, I just felt exhausted...all of the stress of the weekend seemed to finally have taken it's toll on me.  We relaxed all afternoon and washed baby clothes so we could sort them and get the smallest sizes in her dresser.  It was a pretty low-key evening and by bed time I was wiped out.

Most nights, I've been sleeping hard until about 2 or 3 in the morning and then I'll wake up and be up for hours wide awake.  Last night I still woke up a lot just from aches and pains of sleeping while's mostly my hips and thighs that seem to be hurting the most at night so I'm constantly rolling over to relieve the pain on one side. Thankfully, every time I woke up last night, I felt Adelyn kick at least once...and they were GOOD kicks...not measly little stretches. I think that probably helped me fall asleep right away instead of staying up and worrying.

One of the times I woke up I did stay up a little just praying for Adelyn and reflecting on God's mercy and grace in this situation.  It's been rough but it could be so much worse and I know that. We've been so blessed by this little life already and we haven't met her yet.  I was reminded, once again, that God loves her more than I will ever be able to.  Then Psalm 139 popped into my head.

If we're being honest, sometimes I feel guilty because I don't have that overwhelming motherly love most of the time.  When I feel her moving is when I feel closest to her but I very rarely have that "heart bursting" fullness that mothers seem to have for their babies.  I've talked it through with Jake a couple times and I've realized...I really don't KNOW her. It seems almost silly to expect that I would have deeper feelings for her than someone I've known for years and years.  I'm constantly amazed and processing the fact that she's OUR baby and she's going to be made up of parts of Jake and me.  But last night this Psalm popped into my head and I realized, she may be part Jake and part me but GOD is the one who put those parts together in the first place.  We sure didn't plan for this baby to come at the time that she did but God has known since the beginning of time that this is where we would be right now.  He knows everything about this little girl. All I really know is that she likes to curl up in a ball with her feet over her head and Kesha music makes her kick like crazy (which I'm not proud of...haha).  God knows more about her than I will ever know about her and He loves her more than I will ever be capable of.  That's such a comforting thought to me.  The God of the universe cares for and loves my little baby so much.  That knowledge allows me to stop worrying and to take this pregnancy one day at a time.   I just needed to get these reminders out for the next time I start worrying and trying to take control over situations that God already has control over. I'm so glad God has chosen us to be parents to this little girl and I can't wait to meet her once she's fully grown and ready to join the world :)

Friday, February 8, 2013

30 Weeks

Ugh...this week started off amazing. We had a 4D ultrasound, a Christmas present from Jake's parents, and it was so surreal.  I still have this disconnect in my mind when I see ultrasounds that THAT baby is inside of MY body. I don't think it will seem real to me ever...maybe after she's born but I don't know. I think I'll still have to remind myself that she was inside me. And yes I'm already that mom that posts way too many pictures of her child. So enjoy.

Sleepy baby...I think she looks like her daddy here.


Little smiles :)

Those are indeed her feet.....on the top of her head. And her hair!

I love this one. I feel like she's got her hand in her face just shaking her head and smirking "Mom and Dad you have no idea what you're getting into"

Love her sweet face

Anyhow, back to this week. It was going great...just like any other normal week, until yesterday.  Around 1:30pm I started having contractions about every 10 minutes. I've been having Braxton Hicks contractions since I was like 20 weeks so I'm used to it but these were definitely rhythmic and they got worse when I stood up and were accompanied by a lot of lower abdominal pressure. So I called my doctor's office and Jake came home early from work since we're down to one car so that he could take me to the doctor. I don't know how to explain what happened without getting a little medical and maybe too TMI so....sorry? She did a fetal fibronectin test which tests if I have a certain hormone that is released 2 weeks prior to going into labor. She also checked my cervix and said it was definitely closed but felt really soft so they sent me over to the hospital to have a steroid shot to mature Adelyn's lungs in case she decided to come early and to have another non-stress test done.

We were supposed to have our first prepared childbirth class last night and instead I spent it in a hospital bed thinking I may be going into childbirth. I cried pretty much the whole ride to the hospital.  We got there and they gave me a pill that my midwife had prescribed me to stop the contractions...and about 15 minutes later I started having them every 5 minutes and they were getting a little stronger. They wanted to give me another pill but it lowers your blood pressure and mine is always really low anyway so they couldn't. They came in and gave my the steroid shot and I'm so glad Jake was there. I was so jumpy...I couldn't see what the nurse was doing and every time she touched me I flinched and jumped. It was definitely not fun but Jake was able to help me relax which ultimately probably helped keep the pain to a lot less than it would have been if I was there alone.  

I ate a little dinner and they rolled me on the side to help stop the contractions.  They weren't showing up on the monitor but I was still feeling them. However, my midwife called and said the fetal fibronectin came back negative so there was a 99.7% chance that I would not be having this baby in the next 2 weeks so they sent me home and told me to rest. 

I slept hard last night when I slept but I was up a lot during the night when I did wake up.  There's just so many thoughts consuming my brain. I'm losing weight since they put me on this diabetic diet, even though I feel like I'm eating more often. At our ultrasound Sunday, Adelyn had only gained an ounce in a week in a half. The doctor told me sometimes skinny girls just have a fickle uterus that has a lot of contractions. So all of these complications are related to MY body, not the baby.  I know Adelyn isn't even here yet but I can't imagine going through all of this with a second child now that I know what I'd be getting into.  I expected to have a normal, problem-free pregnancy.  Instead, everyone in the doctor's office knows me and every problem I've had. They recognize me on site and give me looks of pity and concern every time I go in and something else is wrong.  Jake and I originally talked about only having 2 biological children and adopting many more after that...maybe God is telling us to adopt more and not have anymore biological kids.  As Jake and Hannah have told me...get through having this baby first.  I just tend to get way ahead of myself.  And I feel like it's maybe a little selfish of me to be thinking this way, but I don't think I ever want to be pregnant again.

On top of that, I'm still having contractions every 5 or 10 minutes...they aren't strong but I'm noticing them.  I'm just afraid that if this continues for the rest of the pregnancy that I won't even know when I'm truly in labor until it's way too far along.  I'm drinking a ton of water and staying off my feet as much as possible but they just aren't going away. I'm trying to just pray and not worry but it's hard. I just pray that God would protect Adelyn...I'll go through the contractions and uncertainty and worrying as long as she's ok when all of this is over. Also prayers that the contractions would just stop until it's actually time to have the baby in about another 7-10 weeks would be great :)

To any of you still reading: sorry for such a long post and no pregnancy highlights this week.  I just can't bring myself to have a normal weekly post when all this is going on.